I Feel Flat

This is a departure for me to write this on my blog but I feel the need to.

This post might not stay for very long but sometimes 140 characters on twitter just aren't enough.

I'm well aware that this blog has been review after review after sponsored post after craft after review posts lately but I really want to clear the backlog that I've allowed to build up.

I hate that I haven't done a Country Kids in weeks. I hate that I haven't written any posts about our life and the silly things my son does. I hate that I haven't posted anything to get conversation flowing.

I'm having a bit of a 'meh' week.

Finally after three and a half years I'm getting somewhere with my issues surrounding The Boy's birth. I don't want to blog about it because it's a deeply personal thing and not particularly positive, this blog is my happiness and light place. Problem is, that a week before Christmas, I'm struggling to find the happiness and light.

On Sunday I met with a midwife practitioner who went over my birth notes in detail for me. She helped me process the timeline of events, helped me understand why I have felt that I blacked out after pethidine (I didn't, I just have an adverse reaction to opiate based painkillers) despite my husband always maintaining that I didn't, explained the reasons why they didn't do an emergency c-section. She also agreed that two or three incidents during my ante-natal and post-natal care were (and I quote) 'piss poor'.

That helped me a lot and I walked away feeling positive about the whole thing and my inner self was happier. I'm no longer angry about his birth. I'm angry at one GP and a couple of other folk, but I understand why.

Yesterday I had my first counselling session to help me combat the issues. It didn't help going over everything again with another new person so close to having done it on Sunday. I came away from the session exhausted and confused. She asked me one or two questions that left me feeling bamboozled and actually a little outraged. I discussed this with a friend last night and she helped me think more rationally, but today I'm flat.

I've lost my mojo and I don't like it.

Oh bugger, I wasn't going to write all of that.

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  1. says

    its good that you have written it all down – personal therapy i think. you need to concentrate on what makes you the most happiest and focus on those positive and lovely feelings they generate.
    although there have been some crappy things this last week, your journey since Sunday I think are amazing and you should be ever so proud of yourself . i am of you xx

    • TheBoyAndMe says

      I do need to write it down but I don't want my blog to be doom and gloom. I do want to focus on what makes me happy, but that's difficult when you're thrown a curveball and it knocks you for six.

      Thank you for helping me get here.

  2. says

    My dear sweet girl. There is nothing wrong with feeling all the emotions you are feeling. It's important you feel them to get them out there. I have no comprehension of what you're going through or have gone through but know that your mojo will come back when it's ready.
    Be good to yourself and if that means stepping away for a while and recharging then so be it
    Sending you the very best of wishes x

    • TheBoyAndMe says

      It's very overwhelming to feel the negativity though because I don't like it, however it's a process that needs to be gone through. I'm beginning to feel better, I'll definitely be in a lighter mood for Christmas!

      Thanks for taking the time to comment.

  3. says

    Sometimes it's good to get things out in the open; from personal and professional experience it really is good to talk. I'm really pleased that you're getting the help you need to deal with these issues. I had hypnotherapy a few years ago and I can remember the exhaustion following a session. It's just the same as experiencing pain following a physio session, just that your pain is emotional. Big hugs to you and I hope you find your happy and light place very soon. I can empathise with the flat feeling. Big hugs.

    • TheBoyAndMe says

      I felt absolutely shattered after the session, and so very confused by her questioning. I've spoken to several people now and they've explained what she might have been attempting to do, which has helped and I've made peace with it and why she offended me.

      Thanks for taking the time to comment.

    • TheBoyAndMe says

      Thanks for taking the time to comment, I've made myself step away from a few things this week which were stressing me out and I feel a lot better.

    • TheBoyAndMe says

      I am exactly the same, I find myself having a repeated conversation with my husband sometimes to help me understand it. Thanks for taking the time to comment.

  4. Dawn says

    I'm not surprised you feel flat. You've been carrying a huge weight these past few years. And now, for the first time you've found a little bit of breathing space from all of that with the answers you've got. But you know what it's like for grass when it gets flattened by somerhing – it takes it a while to make use of all that space again. It takes it a while to perl up. I'm sure it's just the same with you. Now you can see and feel the light of the lovely warm sunshine all over you again you'll soon start to feel less flat pretty soon.

    • TheBoyAndMe says

      Thank you for helping me process it, I think the analogy you've given is perfect. The grass will perk back up soon hopefully.

  5. says

    Right. You have been really poorly recently. On top of this The Boy has been unwell and you've also been forced to confront a very traumatic event for you. I know you wanted to confront it so you can think about another baby but it is forced because having the strength to do so makes you scared and unhappy, even though it is a positive thing in the long run. On top of this you've also had work (and a bit of shock there) and Christmas. I think, after the last few weeks you've had you're allowed to feel a bit flat.
    You need to have a really good rest over the holiday. Enjoy your Boy and have some fun. I'm sure it will help. Oh, and write a few fun posts. I read everything you write because it always engages me and often inspires me, craft, review, sponsored or not. Lets face it, an awful lot of blogs are full of these at the moment too and they aren't coming off the back of the few weeks you have had.
    If it helps I feel pretty much the same. We haven't done anything Country Kids worthy for weeks either. I'm struggling a bit too. Just working up to a blog post on it myself! Chin up lovely, this too shall pass and, remember, these are all steps on the way, hopefully to a new baby and a little brother or sister for the boy. Big hug. You know where I am if you need to email. xxx

    • TheBoyAndMe says

      I have had another issue which I've not mentioned (a death) which came at the same time as confronting issues about The Boy's birth; it made processing the whole 'circle of life' very difficult. And you're right, I'm forcing myself to confront my issues rather than letting them come out naturally, and you're right it is making me scared and unhappy.

      I really appreciate you writing such a detailed comment, and you've actually pointed out a few things that I hadn't realised until you'd spelt them out for me.

  6. Julie buttonf1fan says

    It's good to let it out. I wish I could say something helpful. I also have issues caused at birth of my son I've been discussing with doctors since.. But as yet nothing is fixed. So I can sympathise their. X

  7. says

    Its good to let these things out hun. I still struggle with Millie's birth and it is tough because only you will know exactly what you went through and how you feel. Well done for getting through the first councelling session too xx

    • TheBoyAndMe says

      Thanks for taking the time to comment, I want and need to work through the issues, and actually to even know what I have issues with in the first place.

  8. Merry says

    Birth trauma is such a huge thing and processing it takes years. It's rarely the events so much as the treatment and that is hard, when you have accept people more than just random fate. Being treated well can make a terrible thing okay.

    I've done lots of that sort of counselling over the years and I think flat is normal afterwards. I hope things turn upwards soon.

    • TheBoyAndMe says

      You're completely right; it's not actually his birth that I have a problem with, it's the antenatal and postnatal care. I now understand the decisions that were made when he was being delivered, and while I might not agree with them, I know why they were made. One of the things that I've been keen to get sorted was that I need to give birth in another hospital and by c-section next time, this has been agreed and I feel a lot more in control.

      Thanks for commenting.

  9. says

    Things must really be weighing you down to write a post like this and feel as you do. I think Pippa makes some very sensible points about all that is going on in your life and making Christmas fun can be stressful too. We all love your blog so don't worry about that one, just keep doing your thing! You set yourself some high hurdles in life then are surprised they are difficult to achieve! Be kind on yourself and try recognize how much you are challenging yourself. Christmas will be wonderful because you have your lovely family. Hoping the next few days are sunnier days in your world.

  10. says

    I can completely sympathise with you as regards the blogging front – it's the same here – that and balancing out sorting out for Christmas.

    As for the other things regarding the birth (((hugs))) I do hope that all the talking helps you to feel better. xx

    • TheBoyAndMe says

      I've almost finished with the backlog, I've allowed myself a break for a day or two and I feel better but I need to crack on!

      Thanks for taking the time to comment.

  11. says

    *Hugs!!!* Don't think of it as losing your mojo..you are going through a lot all at once at the moment. Plus it is xmas and end of year and a general time to reflect on the year, people that have passed etc etc etc etc.
    I think you are doing SO well with taking the plunge to deal with the issues with the Boy and everything that happened with his birth. I am still at the "I will book an appointment" stage….it is hard to take that step and you have done it!! To hear a counsellor plus a midwife give you so much info and insight in one go can be very overwhelming I imagine and it is no wonder you are not thinking just about the blog. You are planning for the rest of your life and taking that first step. You must be kind to yourself and realise you are taking a massive massive step into a brave new chapter and world. Your blog is still there and your photos are always fabulous. Don't worry about posting regularly, I think your mind is probably buzzing with a million things right now. It will all settle and come back to you…Austin Powers mojo finding dance stylee!! For now….ride the wave……and I know I should stop waffling now. *Hugs!!*

    • TheBoyAndMe says

      You've completely hit the nail on the head; it's the reflection of what life means combined with the friend that has passed, and contemplating The Boy's birth all over again.

      I was like you nine months ago, "I'll make an appointment when I'm ready!" and it's taken this long to get to the counselling stage. As Pippa commented above, I'm forcing myself to confront it, but I need to because I want another child.

  12. says

    'meh' weeks are okay. It happens to us all – most importantly of all, take your time to process things and get 'you' back – everything else will work out. It sounds like you are getting there.

    Anyway, I like your review and craft posts! They've given me ideas! (so there)

    Take care x

    • TheBoyAndMe says

      Finding who the 'me' is now is very difficult when you become a mother and change forever as a person, but I'm beginning to get there. The processing is something that I really need to do, and with friends and counselling I'm getting there.

      And thanks for commenting.

  13. Susan Mann says

    Sometimes putting it down helps you process and step back a bit from it. I know counselling helped me a bit with my issues post birth but raised other questions. You will get your mojo back it's a lot to process. Big hugs x

    • TheBoyAndMe says

      As soon as I have one thing sorted, something else seems to be raised and gives me issues. It's a bit exhausting.

      Thanks for commenting.

  14. says

    It's a good thing that you were able to write all that down, I think. It's nice to see a bit if you mixed in with all that gorgeous Boy on the blog. And I couldn't care what you post: I read every word. Not that you'd know it: I'm shocking at actually commenting.

    And 'meh'? Well, it's that time of year. Make it to the holidays, have a good break, laugh a lot at the stuff people tweet and come back to the game refreshed in the New Year.

    Love you x

    • TheBoyAndMe says

      Thank you for being so lovely and saying that, this being a mother business is hard work sometimes isn't it? I'm beginning to geel a little better having taken a break for a day or so, I'll get there!

      Thanks chickadee.

  15. says

    sending love and hugs. I found counselling (for different issues) was exhausting and very hard initially but gradually got easier as I came to terms with various things. Try to keep going, it is worth it, or it certainly was for me

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