An Inharmonious Cacophony

Do you ever feel like you're on a tightrope?

This seems to be my constant state of mind over the past six months. And just as soon as I start to gather some semblance of balance, managing to edge forward fractionally, someone adds a weight to one of my hands sending me dangerously close to toppling off.

And I've always had a dodgy sense of balance.

Even typing this post, I am struggling to concentrate. It's like that Internet meme which mentions the author's mind being like a web browser with seventeen tabs open, three have crashed and you can't work out which one the music is coming from. That's me, most of the time.

Insomnia is a bitch.

It's not uncommon to still be lying here at 4am just waiting…

Waiting for my husband to resume snoring. Waiting for the YouTube meditation track (that I should have fallen asleep to) to end so I can turn it off. Waiting to see if I really do need another 'tinkle', just in case.

Waiting for my mind to just stop long enough to grasp the sleep cloud and slip into much needed rest for a few hours.

Mirtazapine is too strong. It wipes me out the next day, and that's when I actually can wake up. Promethazine doesn't work, not even two tablets.

I long to feel calmed. That this entropy that is my mind will one day lose its fragility and frangible qualities, and allow focus and serenity to reign.

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