In my mind I've stood up, walked up the stairs and gone to brush my teeth in the bathroom.

In practise, I'm sat on my heels, kneeling over the sofa with my head in my hands, staring at the weave of the grey fabric. The ability to stand up has escaped me, I can't work out how to make my body do what I want it to do. What I need it to do. The grey fabric is too fascinating.

My mind is racing with all the things that need doing and I'm chastising myself for not packing away the Christmas decorations on the side-unit behind me, for not putting the cushions straight, for not picking up that toy. And they all tail off into half-finished thoughts as the twill captures my attention again.

I hate this feeling. The whole day has been like this. One minute I'll be focused and know exactly what I need to do, and the next I'm drifting away into a well of… I'm not quite sure, to be honest. Greyness, nothingness?

Days like this are few and far between now. Generally I've never felt as good as I have since October. But just sometimes the mind wanders, and I need a guide rope to find my way back to the security of the every day.


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  1. says

    I can remember those sort of days..they WILL get fewer and shorter. It just takes time, you know you're on the mend.
    But there will be times when it'll be difficult, its your brain and body taking time to re-communicate.
    I found the best thing was to admit you're having an off day and let others take charge. You can't be in control all time..xx

  2. Menai says

    This too shall pass. I do think sometimes we do have to do what our bodies tell us to- a rest and a think is a good idea. There's a lot going on and you'll get there. In the meantime we're here to listen x

  3. says

    I think it is your bodies way of saying you need a day off, glad things are generally looking up and I hope today is just a blip for you. I find days where I wander like this so frustrating, but it usually makes me super efficient the next day, fingers crossed it's like this for you tomorrow.

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